Love and distance could be a recipe for momentary hurt. The distance let’s in pangs of loneliness that only his voice and words set right. He is my energy source – he lights me up. He makes me come alive, and things I never feel otherwise make themselves become unique. Clichéd but real, he completes me: when he’s near me. When he isn’t, it brings a lot of things into perspective. He still is the only one who lights me up to that extent, but sometimes it makes me wonder if someone else can take his place – myself.
I seem to have more conversations with myself. Yes, I do meet more people, I form new bonds, I make new friends – but essentially – I am who I am because I stick to myself. I’m there for myself. It may not make sense, but I am there for myself. With friends and smiling faces albeit, but it’s me who looks out for myself the most. It’s not the least bit <insert appropriate word>; just is an observation. A while ago I would have uttered the silliest sentence in the book of sarcasm – ‘What would I do without him!’ Now in a different way which may not make sense to you – I will die without myself.
Sometimes it takes its toll. I still do need my energy source. I am working on finding it within me. I still depend on him for it. But soon I shall be able to be there completely for myself. Hopefully.
My current problem with this is translating these emotions into actions. I do laugh, free and unbridled, but it isn’t like when I’m with him. I’m not aglow. I’m not in that other happy plane almost constantly, I was that way when around him. I am not the best version of myself. I constantly try controlling my every impulse, keep rigid goals and aims – they give my life purpose. It’s a far cry from before, when everything was impulsive and fortunate and I didn’t need a purpose.
I want to be more, I want to be who I picture in my head. I want to be the best version of myself by actually doing the things I want. Travelling around the world. Striking up conversations with total strangers. Having the most soul stirring conversations. I want the world to be my stage, and be in the audience. I want to capture it all. I don’t want to be stationary when the world is moving.
And guess what? Maybe someday I could be his energy source.